Esther Ng
14
3d1'o5
Clementi Town Symphonic Band
Euphoniumist

Leo:
Broadminded & Expansive
Enthusiatic & Lively
Ambitious & Creative
Generous & Warm-hearted
Faithful & Loving
*Natural sense of Drama*
Color:Golds,Reds & Royal colors
Flower:Sunflower & Marigold
Gemstone:Ruby
[the above info of a leo are from yingpeng's bookmark~=)]
(os:wonder if the qualities apply to me...hehe)

Being yourself ain't easy.at all.Don't expect from others what you yourself cannot achieve. Reflect.I'm nt a believer no more.Don't assume anything of me that you don't know.
I've changed.For good reason.

Wishlist
-lie on a freshly-cut field,
staring at the sky frm morn till night,
without caring abt the grass stains l8r
-be myself?
-less responsibilities?
-less stress?
-relieve personal pressure.

Name

URL or Email

Messages(smilies)

Tagboard

Asyikin
Alicia
Amirah
Bee Teng
Cindy
Chloe
Dina
Guolian
Genesis
Huimin
Ivy
Jessica
Jia Da
Jia Hui
Julia
JunRong
Juvena
Kiat Chong
Limin
Melissa
Melvin
Michael
Pei Shi
Pei Sin
Shahrul
Shaun
Shirlyn
Siti
Sther
Szeling
Teck Sing
Vanessa
Victoria
Wee Chee
Yijun
Yiming
Ying Hao
Yuxian

--------------
Design by
dancingupastorm

Saturday, August 13, 2005

i dread tmr's talk.i dread the arrival of september.i dread chem.i dread physics.i dread band.

ytd i had a horrible dream..i dreamt that during band prac i shouted till my voice was hoarse,until i couldn speak at all..and no one was listening..they were scuttling around like rats...how horrific is that...in the end...my hands were at my throat and i was crying like mad....i dunno why i had that dream...its.......i really hope it doesn happen.

i dont want september to arrive.its childish i noe.we cant stop time.but i cant think of any other way to stop "the thing" from happening.i thought it would only happen next year.suddenly,boom,it happens.i really dont get parents.how could they.children have human rights too,cant they make their own choices?you seem to be throwing something around.i dont get it.i really dont.this equals to adoption.almost.if the person were you adults,wont you feel hurt?unable to make your own choices and being treated like a puppet.i feel really sad.sad about it.I DONT WANT IT TO HAPPEN!I WANT THINGS TO STAY AS IT IS!pls...i dont want her to go.

tmr is the weekly talk.i dunno how am i suppose to talk.i dont know what i am going to say."oh,nothing happened last wk and hi!".fat hope of that happening.is there a way to get out of it....?its not like i'm heartless or anything but for goodness's sake,he hurt my feelings,ok?!he made it out like i'm an ungrateful bitch or something.god.

i think i'm getting paranoid and oversensitive and all that shit.maybe it'll all add up to depression.did a personality test supposedly by experts online...pretty true ba..said i'm a blue person who always likes to think too much and all...it advised me to just be myself.it also said that i'm acting like i dont care about everything but actually,i do care about everything,its just that i'm deceiving myself.like "out of sight,out of mind".that's true.sigh.avoiding things is the easiest way out,i suppose.but it doesn seem so to others.i think i'm becoming very odd.even i think that myself, what about others?they probably think i'm raving mad or something,laughing at one time and the whole pissed off face at another.i dont know.i dont know how to face somethings and some people.i just cant let go.i'm becoming more and more like a hermit.i think i'm going mad.mad.starking mad.

i dont know who i can rely on.everything has changed.sometimes what i feel is at the tip of my tongue,ready to slide out.but my crazy mind has the lunatic idea that spitting it out is wrong,so down it goes again.so it acumulates and acumulates till i feel like vomiting them all out.i'm scared of showing my "true colours".i'm scared of people being judgemental.i'm scared of my own insecurities.i'm a coward.

sometimes i just feel i'm nobody in people's eyes.i'm invisible sometimes.i can be like beside someone but people will just say hi to the person.even if i know the person.iit hurts my self-esteem.stab stab stab.shut up.i'm a lunatic.i dont even get myself.let alone others.